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:iconpainting-with-wax: More from painting-with-wax


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Submitted on
December 13, 2012
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Stretch out the sky above
Like a pale blue canvas
Wash away pain with paints
Leave only dreams, my love

Calm your heart, let's sing a melody
We can elope in the most beautiful of scenery
Escaping to a place where the beauty is timeless
And the words so soft that touch our hearts

There's a place where we belong
A still moment just for us
When our palms meet in silence
To join much more than flesh

Your guardian wings caught me mid-fall
Opening your arms to me, to cleanse me of it all
I keep that note close in my pocket
"I'll take care of you...until we're gone"

You're safe here, I promise
Together we will remain
Forever, and further still
In our lovers embrace
A collaboration with xXAtomQueenXx
:iconbardofthedamned:
Overall Impression:
My high school English teacher taught me that poetry's most common subject is the 'lovey dovey'. Every poet has written about being in love - every human has been in love. In fact, the very word love is by far the most common word used in poetry.
I get very nervous writing or reading a poem on the subject, it's so easy to fall in that pastoral pitfall - that honeymoon period longing.

Vision:
I do see where this poem was meant to read - I've been in love, but sadly that intent is lost in the banality of the presentation.
Show, don't tell. Your poem is written to be read: it is not necessary to beat you subject into our head.

Originality:
I hate to play this broken record, but love and protecting your own will not go far.

Technique:
There are aspects of poetic device throughout the poem, but their layer of cliché does somewhat pique them.

There is little connect between stanza, and it is slightly disorienting.

The canvas of the sky and guardian wings are the birthings of allusion to greater deepness, but they are only presented on stage for a few lines or a stanza - expand on these little ideas: perhaps give them poems of their own.

Impact:
I see someone in love upon a reading, but unfortunately not much else. I'm not sure what I may take away from this poem besides reassurance that others do fall in love as well.

Last Words:
Share what makes your love (or your lover) unique. Let the uniqueness guide the poem, not the ephemeral love.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
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